I am pretty fond of my brain.
My brain and I have a pretty close relationship after we together slugged out a hard-core, full on hit me a with a brick pitch dark depression a number of years back. I don’t recommend doing it the way I did but it worked for me.
I can truly say it was a dangerous road. I am not sure I would do it again but I am glad I did.
Somehow I felt I owed it to my brain, having exposed it to danger so it injured itself. It was the strangest sensation, being aware that one of the most precious parts of myself was hurt. Very similar to having a broken bone. It simply did not function properly. In fact it was pretty set on dying.
As I write this now it seems strange. We are hardwired not to remember intense pain. I do remember waking up screaming. I got so use to crying that it became part of my everyday life. I got pretty good at hiding it. I got very thin and received compliments for it. I slept in the woods and got Lyme disease. I still worked. I rented an apartment above a stable and found the horses to be better companions than people. The anxiety attacks were often so strong that my knees buckled and I collapsed. I learnt not to hurt my body when I fell. I walked 8 kilometers to and from the bus. I started kick boxing. I would stay away from the road because I felt unsafe around cars. I ate no medication and saw no therapists. I couldn’t admit that I was in trouble even though I knew I was. I knew that having it confirmed at a psychiatric ward could have sent me over the edge so I choose not to. Most of all I remember thinking I don’t understand why I am so suicidal. I am usually not like this. This doesn’t make any sense.
What is incredibly interesting today, after being exposed to severe stress during the initial phases of this breast-cancer journey, is that I find that these areas of my brain that I was so in touch with during that dark period seem to have mended. During my panicky stages during the first couple of oh-my-god-i-have-cancer-weeks I thought they would surface but they are simply not there anymore.
It is more than a little ironic that I in less than 6 months have on three different occasions in three different countries bought four books dealing with disaster, stress and the function of brain. My belief system leads me to believe that it is too coincidental to be a coincident.
So I give you a few more thought on Me and My brain.
I want to learn to be better at making an informed gamble.
I can call it nothing else. I am putting my life in somebody elses hands, putting my trust in the medical industry. So it makes sense to research and ponder and starting to practice these things today, before the chemistry of my blood changes and cortisol and adrenaline speed through my system, like the brigades of warriors they really are.
I am learning that the rule of fear is that it is primal. Instinct. The hormones are so powerful that you can actually sometimes taste the slightly metallic aftermath. The hormones are natural painkillers but cortisol also interferes with the part of the brain that handles complex thinking.
The brain must decide what to prioritize and what to neglect. Our abilities to reason and perceive our surrounding deteriorate. Even tying your shoe laces may be extremely hard at this stage.
The amygdala learns about danger in two ways.
The neuroscientist LaDoux call the instant reaction to danger the low road, or the quick and dirty processing system.
The second way is slower, but more accurate. You are able to take in the scene and access it even if you don’t quite understand it.
This leads me to neuropeptide Y. A substance in your blood that is said to hold a clue to why certain people deal better with extreme stress than others. Basically, if it is low you are in trouble. It is very pretty to.
Check out the link above if you are interested in the adrenal glands or want to know more. schematically it can be explained like this:
Figure 1. A simplified representation of the central and peripheral components of the stress system, their functional interrelations and their relationships to other central nervous system pathways involved in the stress response. CRH: corticotropin-releasing hormone, LC/NE sympathetic system: locus ceruleus/norepinephrine-sympathetic system, POMC: proopiomelanocortin, AVP: arginine vasopressin, GABA: γ-aminobutyric acid, BZD: benzodiazepine, ACTH: corticotrophin, NPY: neuropeptide Y, SP: substance P. Activation is represented by solid green lines and inhibition by dashed red lines.
Reading Amanda Ripley’s book The unthinkable it is striking how very basic characteristics seem to make huge differences in a time of crisis. She claims that confidence is one such factor. The more arrogant the better in fact. It sounds simple but it probably isn’t. She does say that a key to survival is feeling confident that you will be ok and this might explain why against all odds, some people survive for years and years of stage IV cancer(I came across a woman on a forum yesterday who has lived 14 years with incurable cancer), massive disaster och trauma.
I learnt this morning that breathing is one of the few functions that cuts across both nervous systems, in other words it is both automatic and controllable and this can be very usable in times of crisis. On a very basic level I understand that if you are aware and familiar with your breathing patterns. Have practiced breathing exercises to the extent that you will automatically fall back on a type of breathing that calms you down and oxygenate your blood, you are much better off in a stressful situation. Alas, all the more reason to so pranayama.
I will end here for now. Winter arrived last night, making the grass look crusty and glittery. I will keep reading and breathing. And I will do it with awareness.
wellhowaboutthemapplesmary 
